Old Fashioned Marriage Part 2:
The New Counter Culture
by
Joseph C. Phillips
One of the drawbacks of discussing old fashioned marriage
– the notion that marriage is an ennobling institution and the best environment
in which to raise children– is the discussion invariably centers on what is
wrong in the black family. From Bill Cosby and his call outs to conservative
and liberal pundits across the country, all behave as if declining marriage
rates and soaring illegitimacy rates only exist in the black community.
While it is true that some of these challenges predominate
in the black community, they are by no means exclusive to the black community.
In 1965, Patrick Moynihan issued his now famous report entitled "The Negro
Family: The Case for National Action." Forty years ago, The Moynihan report was
distressed by an illegitimacy rate in the black community of 22 percent. The
current illegitimacy rate among whites is 24 percent. It is 44 percent among
Hispanics. In 1965, the percentage of unwed mothers nationally was 8 percent.
That figure now stands at 34 percent. The decline of two parent households and
the social costs that accompany it is an issue that transcends race and
economics. It is an American problem.
The current crisis in marriage is an outgrowth of the
American cultural revolution of the late 1960’s. Many of the social changes of
the time clearly made America better. However, in the midst of these changes,
we discarded old school notions of marriage and family and embraced the new
school of self-actualization. Americans embraced the idea that life is first
and foremost about fulfilling the self. It is a vision at odds with the idea of
two becoming one flesh. Marriage is the process of sacrificing what is best for
the “me” in service to what most benefits the “we.”
Two thousand years ago, Aristotle observed happiness is
not found through pursuit as a goal, rather it is discovered through a life well
lived. Marriage is ennobling because its duties, sacrifices and
responsibilities transform the individual by broadening the self-definition to
include the wants, needs and happiness of someone else. It is ironic that as
Claudia Winkler writes, those of us that ascribe to this notion of a nexus
between duty and joy are the new counter culture.
Alas, like the research that supports marriage, there are
pages describing the problem but very few paragraphs dedicated to a solution.
Perhaps that is because the task of a cultural transformation seems so
monumental.
We can support marriage through public policies like tax
credits and housing subventions. Certainly these are helpful. But substantive
political change must be preceded by cultural changes and cultural change begins
with words. Changing ideas about marriage and family demands a passionate and
vocal advocacy. We must take every opportunity to witness to the world the way
in which sacrifice, problem solving and enduring tough times only to reach for
each other again, have enriched our lives. Those on the other side of the debate
do not shy away from advocating their position and they are not armed as we are
with truth and mountains of research.
Of course, nothing succeeds like success. The most
powerful tool we have to produce a shift in the cultural winds is to succeed in
our own marriages. Having experienced the highs and lows of married life for
12 years, I recognize this is easier said than done. In the real world, stuff
happens. However, if we are truly intent on being the vanguard of a new
marriage movement, we must work daily to ensure our own houses are in order.
We must recommit ourselves to making certain we are
attentive to our spouses’ needs – that our touches are gentle and our words
sweet. During the inevitable trials, we must redouble our efforts and renew
that commitment to a broader definition of self. With hard work tough times get
better. We must be always mindful that our success will ripple outward
influencing everyone in its wake. Without such heavy lifting, we can never hope
to be convincing campaigners in the battle to re-establish marriage as an
American institution.
