by
Jonathan David Morris
Last
week, Drew Westen of Emory University announced the results of
a study conducted before the 2004 election,
which examined the brains of George Bush and John Kerry supporters. The
results of this study suggested that partisan thinking derives not from
reason but pure emotion. When faced with favorable facts about their
candidates, the men’s brains lit up like junkies getting their fix on.
When presented with negative facts, their brains simply refused to
consider what they heard.
This, of course, comes as no surprise to me. I’ve
always wondered why the things I say to most liberals and conservatives go
in one ear and out the other. Now I know: Scientifically speaking, these
people have no brains.
But rather than going on and on about this study,
which would probably only get me in trouble, I’ve decided to take a break
from spouting off this week to let representatives from both sides of the
political aisle make the case for or against the study themselves. Here
now are the opinions on this groundbreaking research, as written by two
entirely fictional voters, whose names I made up because I wrote this on
deadline and couldn’t find anyone real to interview. I think you’ll agree
their essays are telling. In fact, both sides might be closer than you
think.
• • •
"My Brain is a Battleground in the War
Against America: A View from the Right,” by Bush T. Conservatron
So… Drew Westen thinks he’s found scientific
proof that Republicans are irrational? That’s interesting. Too bad there’s
NO SUCH THING AS SCIENCE.
In an ideal world, I suppose life would be one
giant fairytale. Special magicians called “doctors” would dazzle us with
wonderful, health-improving capsules called “medicines.” Man would soar
through the sky in big metal “airplanes.” And who knows? Maybe someday
we’d have computers small enough to fit inside a single room. But that’s
not the world we’re living in here. This is the real world. And the
reality is, there’s no such thing as science.
What’re you going to tell me next, Mr. Westen—that
the planet existed before I stepped foot on it? Or that mankind was meant
to find “answers” to questions? Yeah, sure. Well, I’ve got a question for
you: What’s black and white and red all over? All you liberals… with
American blood and New York Times print on your hands.
Let me put this as simply as I can: I am a Bush
supporter. And unlike all you communist, tree-hugging, Brokeback
Mountain-watching Kerry supporters, I deal in cold, hard facts—not
the colors of the rainbow. Emory University is just another Elite Leftist
College, bent on teaching America’s youth about liberal values like
research and free parking. It doesn’t surprise me that these people would
conduct a study the likes of Mr. Westen’s, because they’ll do whatever it
takes to regain political power. Only liberals deal in things like
“emotions” and “feelings.” And only liberals would try to convince us
these things are normal.
This is what we’re up against, people. First they
tried to secularize Christmas. Now they’re trying to secularize our
brains. Are we really going to sit here and stand for this?
Mr. Westen hates freedom. That’s what this comes
down to. Anyone who would say I voted for Bush based on pure emotion
obviously doesn’t remember September 11th. As a Bush supporter, I have
personally rationalized each and every one of the president’s
policies—from “torture” and “domestic spying” to “keeping secrets” and
“destroying key freedoms and civil liberties.” This country was built on
the blood, sweat, and tears of slaves and George W. Bush supporters—people
like me who understand you can’t just roll out of bed in the morning and
expect things to have “quote marks” around them. You have to work
to put those “quote marks” there. You have to work to make things
make sense to you.
So don’t talk to me about being
irrational. Talk to all those freeloading hippie liberals at Emory
University. They’re the irrational ones.
• • •
"He’s George Bush, and He Approved This
Hurricane: A View from the Left,” by John Kerry Mellencamp
Well, well, well. A new study out of Emory
University finds that partisan thinking is completely irrational. Hey,
guess what? As a Democrat, I’ve been saying this for years. In fact, if
not for all those partisans in flyover country, John Kerry would be
president right now. And America would be in a much better place.
Already, I know what you’re thinking. Actually, I
always know what you’re thinking. And right now it’s this: “What
makes Democrats less partisan than Republicans?” That’s easy. Democrats
aren’t partisan because Democrats aren’t a party. Oh, sure, we run
candidates in every election. We have our own mascot, a chairman, even a
color (a nice shade of blue). But whereas Republicans exist to pillage and
plunder the country, we exist to stop them by pillage-and-plundering
cities and towns. Basically, we exist out of pure necessity. And if that
somehow makes us a “party”? Well, that just shows how far to the right our
country has gone.
I think it’s a shame America chose Bush over
Kerry. If Kerry were president, Hurricane Katrina would never have
happened. Nor would any of the other disasters that’ve occurred the last
five years—including Enron and Ben Affleck’s Gigli. Most of the
world understands this. But Bush supporters? Bush supporters are
different. These people couldn’t care less about the environment, but when
a Category 5 destroys the Gulf of Mexico, all of a sudden it’s a “force of
nature.” All of a sudden it’s “just something that happens.”
Please.
John Kerry predicted Hurricane Katrina. And if
John Kerry were president, the blind would be able to see again. And
lepers would no longer have leprosy. And blacks would no longer be black.
That’s why it’s crucial we get Democrats back in the White House. My party
isn’t a party, and I don’t know who my party will nominate next time, but
whoever it is—be it Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Evan Bayh, or even Hillary
Clinton—it’s important that they win.
Don’t let all those Republican spinmeisters spin
the results of this Emory study. Because they’ll just keep spinning like
dreidels if you let them. Yes, there are folks in this world who approach
politics based on pure emotion. But Fox News has a name for those people.
And they’re called “Fox News viewers.”
Bush supporters aren’t human. Their brains aren’t
misshapen and clumpy like our brains. Theirs are perfect circles, and they
taste a little like egg whites. These people are crazy. They wave tiny
flags and don’t go to the bathroom. They’ll do whatever you tell them to
do, unless you tell them to vote Democrat, in which case they’re suddenly
independent thinkers. This makes no sense. And it’s flat out irrational.
If Republicans stay in power, the grass will melt
and the sun will fall down. That’s the lesson of this Emory study. So keep
that in mind at the next election. Vote Democrat and all of your wildest
dreams will come true.
