by
Joseph C. Phillips
I have a rather iconic picture of the American
family ideal. Some might even call it old fashioned. It is a picture of a man
standing on the porch of his home. His wife and children stand just behind
his shoulder. The man is steadfast and resolute. With shotgun in hand he wears
an _expression of defiance. It is an _expression that says attempt to harm my
family at your own peril. I believe men should be guardians of family and
community.
This of
course is not the real world or so I was reminded repeatedly during the
promotional tour for my book “He Talk Like a White Boy.”
A typical
reaction was that of a woman in Minneapolis who admonished me, “My mother was a
single parent and she raised my brother and me and we turned out just fine.”
Understood. Although it is also true that everyone that smokes does not die of
cancer. In fact there are those that smoke everyday for years and live long
healthy lives. That, however, does not negate the mountains of evidence that
smoking is dangerous for your health. Nor does it discourage the larger
society’s campaign to stop people from indulging in the habit.
This may
come as a shock to some, but I am well aware that this is the real world and in
the real world stuff happens; relationships fail, people have sex outside of
marriage and have babies out of wedlock. However, just as we can’t avoid the
real life consequences of smoking neither can we ignore the cost of the meteoric
rise in out-of-wedlock births, divorce and the concurrent steep declines in
marriage rates.
According
to research done by the Family Research Council at Rutgers University, preschool
age children growing up in (non-intact) families are 3 times more likely to
suffer emotional and behavioral problems. As they grow older and begin
attending school young people from non-intact families have higher rates of
absence and tardiness and are more likely to drop out of school.
Teens from
non-intact families are more likely to smoke, use drugs and alcohol and are more
likely to engage in sex at an early age and thus more likely to become single
parents.
The
effects of family breakdown do not end with children. A majority of single
mothers suffer lower standards of living, higher rates of physical abuse and
shorter lives. There is more of course. Like the research on smoking the
information – stacks of it -- is there for all to read and digest.
The
reasons for many of the ills of the real world families and communities are
varied, but ultimately the buck stops with men. Women do predominate
single-parent households and thugs do not run neighborhoods because women have
failed. Evil lurks in dark alleyways because men have discarded notions of duty
and honor and embraced the new school mantra of self-actualization. In our rush
for self-fulfillment (or was it our confusion?) we abdicated our duty to family
and community. We have failed to be husbands, failed to be fathers, we have
failed to pick the shotgun up off the mantel, stand at the entrance to our homes
and neighborhoods and dare the devil to step across the threshold.
I am
rather fond of my old fashioned family icon -- it has served humanity well for
millennia -- though admittedly in the years since my own marriage it has been
realigned. In my home, as I imagine is true with most marriages nowadays my wife
stands by my side. We are partners in the raising and nurturing of our children
and we are both accountable for the safety of our family and neighborhood. In
the real world we are not successful unless I am by her side shotgun in hand.
