And Now for the News from Fake News International:

(FNI) Washington, DC (former USA) — In our last edition, you learned the value placed on US citizens by former resident, Jimmy Habitat, that he feared harming 20,000 Iranians in 1979 and so left 52 Americans to vegetate for 444 days in an Iranian prison.  In an eerily similar valuation, putative president Obama will not announce his forever-pending decision on troop levels in Afghanistan until next Tuesday.  Yet another meeting of the “War Council” will take place on Monday evening.  Why Monday evening?  Because, Press Secretariat Glibb announced, the president’s schedule for Monday daytime was already “packed.”  FNI is attempting to determine what, in the president’s schedule, could be of a higher priority than the lives of US troops overseas.  And why not before Thanksgiving?  Because, it also was announced, a number of War Council members were already scheduled to be out of town for the Thanksgiving holiday.  Mystery solved – different people, different priorities.

(FNI)  Seoul, Korea – In another White House development directly related to the preceding news about the value placed on US citizens by the administration, putative president Obama made a 52-minute stop in South Korea in what was first thought to be for the purpose of thanking the troops for their service in the Asian Tinderbox.  In stark contrast to the length of Obama’s stay, and depending on the type of assignment, US troops spend anywhere from a year to three years in Korea.  The true purpose of the president’s visit, though, was revealed in his speech to the assembled troops when he said, “You guys make a pretty good photo op.” Nuf sed…..except – That ain’t fake.

(FNI)  Californicate – Charles Hersel of Thousand Oaks was arrested in a sting operation after local High School students claimed that he paid them cash to yell profanities at him, slap him in the face, and spit in his face, as well as “other” requests.  Fake News International has learned that the offices of  both US Senate Bleater Harry Greed and Specious Pelosi have been in touch with Hersel, offering to spit in his face for a much lower price, citing their vast experience over the years in doing that very thing to the American Public at large.

(FNI)  Lima, Peru – Don’t go there if you are overweight!  Those of you who have not seen your feet in years will be thrilled to receive this warning in the latest news.  Peruvian police have arrested members of a gang who were murdering – yes, literally killing – people, suctioning their fat and selling it in Europe for over $50,000 per gallon to firms transforming the “material” into anti-wrinkle cosmetics. (Insert pause here to allow users of wrinkle cream to recover)  Fake News International has learned that Taxachusetts Congressperson Barney Frank has already received a personal, private warning from the US State Department about postponing his planned travel to Peru.

(FNI)  Philadelphia, Pa – A brouhaha has erupted at Lincoln University in this city over the school’s decision to enforce a rule requiring overweight students to take a fitness class in order to receive their degrees.  While the school ruling, however well intentioned it may be, does represent an intrusion into the personal lives of the students, the student “body,” so to speak, should be grateful, especially those intending to visit Peru in the near future.

(FNI)  Everywhere – Global Warming/Climate Change is much in the news around the planet these days.  In one such story, no less an authority than the United Nations, known far and wide for its expertise in…..various topics and subjects, …..has announced that it has “uncovered” a new effect of Global Warming.  Global Warming, especially in low-lying coastal areas like the Philippines, is driving women into what the UN terms the “flesh trade.”  The UN has not addressed, though, why the growth in the numbers of prostitutes has not stalled as the increase in global temperatures leveled off in the past ten years.  Oops!  The answer may lie in a treasure trove of documents belonging originally to the Climate Research Unit of the University of East Anglia, a long-time, outspoken proponent of Global Warming.  The documents include references to terms such as “trick.” Nuf sed.

(FNI)  Europe Now, Coming to Your Neighborhood Soon – The first President of The European Union (EU), Belgian Prime Minister Herman van Rompuy, is reported to be in favor of “Global Management” as an outcome of the forthcoming conference on Climate Change.  If you presently have doubts about the ability of even your nearby  town, county, burg, or city to implement and enforce environmental laws (or any other laws for that matter), just imagine the look on your face when you open your mailbox and see the letter from Brussels, on a subject other than sprouts that is.  FNI will continue to monitor the situation on your behalf.  In the interim, be comforted to know that the good news is that the EU will have to fend off the UN in its attempt to establish its rule over you.

(FNI)  Washington – In a report that will shock you (the preferred word of all news organizations competing for your dollar), a Congressional report states unequivocally that putative president Obama has done favors for a political ally.  Sacramento, Californicate, Mayor, former NBA star and FOO (Friend of Obama) Kevin Johnson, when he headed St. Hope Academy, is alleged to have misused federal funds during his tenure at the school.  Among other charges, a portion of the $800,000 of your tax money – paid to the Academy through AmeriCorps — was used to pay the “volunteers” to run personal errands for Johnson, to carry out partisan political activities, and to wash Johnson’s car.  Most seriously, Johnson was accused by three young woman at the Academy of making inappropriate advances toward them; one of the three alleged that she was offered “hush money,” again to be paid out of your tax money.  FNI feels obligated to inform you that local, state, and federal officials have denied all the charges.

(FNI)  Washington, GlitterBama –  Those of you who count yourselves among the 17.5% unemployed in the US will be particularly pleased to read that the first state dinner at the White House hosted by putative president Obama was a rousing success, depending on your viewpoint, of course.  Hollywood millionaires and billionaires were very pleased.  A-List stars and glitterati, along with those who outfitted them in haute couture, were thrilled.  While the cost of the event has not been disclosed, a heated tent seating 300 people on the White House Lawn, FNI has learned, ain’t chickenfeed.  The best news of all, folks, is that you – employed or not – paid for the dinners eaten by the millionaires, billionaires, and A-List Glitterati.  Happy Thanksgiving!

(FNI)  Washington, DC — FNI has learned that the rumors swirling around Foggy Bottom (No, not Barney Frank, the OTHER Foggy Bottom) are true (Insert GASP here) – putative pres. Obama and Sec. of State Clinton are NOT the closest of friends.  Among other reasons for the discord FNI is investigating, Sec. Clinton has discovered that she is SECSTATE in name only, with Shadow President Rahm Emanuel holding the real, actual reins of power.  From the point of view of putative president Obama, Sec. Clinton’s verbal missteps continue to mount in number, hampering US foreign policy.  Telling Pakistani leaders, for example, that she found it difficult to believe that they did not know the whereabouts of al-Qaeda leaders did not foster a closer relationship – Surprise, Surprise. More on this as the story develops.

(FNI) Berkeley, Californicate – In an action that will cause you to believe that you have entered a time warp, students at The University of Californicate, Berkeley, occupied a school building to protest announced tuition and fee increases of 32% in the coming years.  Shades of 1964!  Demonstrators were heard shouting from windows, “Ask your faculty members to come out. Ask your friends to come out. Show them whose university this is.”  When asked by FNI who else besides them would, could, should pay the tuition and fee increases, the students’ reply was, “Hummina,  hummina, hummina.”

(FNI)  Washington, DC – Quit whining!  In his last (but not final) Saturday address, putative president Obama urged Americans to exhibit more patience over the economy and his administration’s efforts to rejuvenate it, stating that his recent trip to Asia had been a success despite reports that he had not gotten significant concessions from China and others over trade and currency-manipulation issues.  On the positive side, though, Obama said that he had made progress with the Chinese and Russians in “sending a message” to Iran and North Korea about abolishing their nuclear weapons programs.  Obama apparently did not realize, or forgot that Americans don’t eat North Korean or Iranian warheads and so would be less than thrilled by that news…..as they sat down to Thanksgiving dinner…..at a nearby Soup Kitchen.